i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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