sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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