I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Randomize
