I just made out with a guy for $7.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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