hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
