I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
