wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
