is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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