Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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