he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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