if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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