I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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