hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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