I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
