I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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