yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
