Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
