That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
