Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
