i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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