i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
