Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
