Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
