Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
