I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
