don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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