we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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