when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
