chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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