i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just want to make out with him forever
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
