Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
