Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You can't just leave with hair like that
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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