I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
