I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
