He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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