So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
