just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I faked an abortion last night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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