There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Randomize
