i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
