our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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