and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
