i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
