Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
