Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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