My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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