My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
