worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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