Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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