I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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