The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
