and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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