i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
