it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I know her cup size but not her name....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
