Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Fuck appropriateness.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
