I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
