and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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