You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
