My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize