im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
