I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
