stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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