im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
