I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
