im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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