you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
