i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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